Hunter Aliens

Information you need to know about dealing with Hunter Aliens....

Don't follow up a distress signal if the caller does not answer.

The likelihood is he's probably out to lunch...

Never go to the toilet unassisted.

 And if you do, don't dream of resting your rifle against a tree.

Even if it's only for a few seconds- always keep it at hand.

 Never be the funny or cool guy who makes all the wise cracks because...

 he's usually the second to be iced. The reason being is if he were the last to disappear then the movie would be classified as a comedy not a horror action.

 Likewise, if you have any valuable skills or abilities.....

 keep it to yourself because being knowledgeable

gets you no where.... Have you not learnt yet

  that the hero has to resolve things alone.

 Remember once all the movie extras are gone, like miner's canaries, that's not the time to sit back.

If you notice a shadow that moves and you're standing still...

 then that's not your shadow.

And finally, should you inevitably bump into a hunter alien,

have a catch phrase handy that you remembered from an opened Christmas cracker.

In the jungle you can scream, as it is not space and everyone can hear you. However, you will probably be mistaken for a howler monkey...

Hope that was useful.

1.8 Seconds:Part 1/4

 A switch was prodded and all television screens grimmaced awake.

Next the cassette halted hesitantly at the end of rewind and played.... The viewer was about to study the content. He placed his finger tentatively over the start button of his stopwatch.

 Bartender:How would you like your beverage?
The subject of the viewer's attention cassually declared...
Double 0 Sven:Iced...not heated....
Bartender:Just a moment please....

 Double 0 Sven could be seen cautiously about facing to an unwelcomed customer.

 Double 0 Sven:You don't come here for the Finnish mojitos, do you?

 The bartender returned quite speechless....

 Double 0 Sven:He must have slipped on the olive I dropped from my cocktail! Don't worry the tranquiliser dart will give him the same hangover as if he had actually bought a drink.

 Viewer:1.8 seconds....
In the following clip Sven could be identified strolling down a corridor....

Each step pittering after the patter of the previous.

 That is until the slight cocking of a machine gun joined the chorus.

 Sven made his move!

Double 0 Sven:What a waste of an entrance ticket....

 Viewer:1.8 seconds....That is quite impressive....

A telephone unexpectedly rang.....

The viewer, expressing his lack of peturbment, exited  the surveillance chamber and leisurely stepped into the billiard room to answer the call.

The viewer:He accepted my challenge? That's wonderful. I very much look forward to meeting him in person....

You too! Enjoy the rest of your day! Goodbye.

He placed the receiver back on the phone and walked up to the billiard table. He hit the stopwatch.

 BANG! The viewer potted the red straight into the pocket with a bullet. 1.6 seconds

 BANG! A blue ball beelined its way into the left pocket, rolling eratically due to the bullet protruding out of it.
1.4 seconds

 The viewer playfully took a parting shot. This time striking the white.
BANG!
1.8 seconds.

The viewer:I wasn't concentrating on that one.....
MWAHAHAHA!!!!

To be Continued....

Secret Agent:Cracking the Code Part 1/3

Somewhere in a distant Icelandic market place...

After Sven had gathered the samples for the Icelandic Secret Service, he decided to move on. One thought was plaguing him though.  

 Double 0 Sven felt as if he were being lured into a trap...why did the markets always place the eggs towards the back? And why on earth was there always the smell of fresh bread wafting through the air?  He had to resist the temptation to place those ginger biscuits into his basket...

Sven had recently read a magazine article that suggested shoppers fantasised that they were secret agents as they shuffled past the food items. But those were ordinary civilians. What did secret agents actually daydream about...? While strolling past the berry juice section, Sven began to visualise himself as an ordinary civilian doing his weekend shopping...

 Unexpectedly, Sven's daydream was interrupted....
SMORGES board Henchman:Don't move....
Sven glanced down and saw a pointed gun. He had been ambushed unawares! That's the trouble with maintaining routines when being kept under surveillance....
Double 0 Sven:Is this what you call "shop till you drop"?
The henchman was unamused...

"Fine Scandinavian Food Stall".....

Sven regarded an expensive jar of truffles in the corner of his eyes. He then intentionally knocked it over with his wrist hoping to ire the owner of the market stall.
As the stall owner challenged them, Sven seized the chance to dash off....

As he was racing past the dairy stall, he exclaimed...
Double 0 Sven:I knew I had forgotten to buy that!

He could hear his pursuers bounding closer...Would he make it past the baked bread or would he be snatched at the fruit and vegetable stall?
Sven had an idea....

He decided to concoct a rudimentary smoothie....
Without warning, he overturned the fruit and vegetable table, causing the produced to scatter beneath his hunters' feet....

That stunt had only bought a few seconds extra time. They were relentless....Was that the sound of bullet whizzing past?

But that was ample enough time for him to remotely unlock his vehicle....

Come on!  He hit the button as hard as he could!

 ...and sped, leaving the SMORGES Board henchmen to pay for the broken truffle jar....

SMORGES Board Henchman:You can't not shop forever Double 0 Sven. Until then, we'll be waiting for you. MWHAHAHA!

Icelandic Secret Service Headquarters....

Double 0 Sven:Here are the samples you requested...

Magnus opened thje paper bag and sunk his teeth into the Danish pastry....

Magnus:Hmmmm!!!! This is delicious! Did you also buy some milk for the office like I asked?

Double 0 Sven:It slipped my mind...

Magnus:Never mind. I think the next mission will suit uo better.... How much do you know about cracking safes, Sven....?

To be Continued....